the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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