Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
