hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
