I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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