College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
