I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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