how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
