If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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