This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
