he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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