the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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