My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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