Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
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