last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
