My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
