I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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