Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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