My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
