I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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