HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
