bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
