Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
