So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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