i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
