Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We need a shit load of segways right now
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
