My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
