dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
