My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
