Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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