Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
