You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
