1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
