I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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