I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
