Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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