You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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