Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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