i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
