I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
