youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
His nipple licking is glorious
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