he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
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