the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
