as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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