hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
