No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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