I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
