Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
