My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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