Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
