You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
